And to continue

I was just checking to see if this still worked...lol.

So another Christmas season is upon us. What is it about Christmas that makes us evaluate the past and the future.

I will admit that the past year has been tough. I am not sure when I cried so many tears...or asked so many questions. Perhaps it is a way of getting older. Most women it would seem are concerned as they get older with the lines and the wrinkles. I don't think like that. Sure part of me wishes that I looked like I did 15 years ago but I know that is not the most important. What I want today is to have learned from my past. I kinda like my age. and yes that means I don't look 30 anymore but I don't really think about that. I have more wisdom. I appreciate more what others have been through because I have been through more.

Now don't get me wrong. Part of me hates what I have been through. But there is also a part of me that is glad. How can you relate to people when you don't know what they are going through?

It has been a tough year but yesterday I met with friends and I laughed. I laughed from the bottom of my heart. I had not done that in so long and I wondered if I would ever do it again. But it happened and it gave me hope that I was at least working my way to the other side. Sometimes just working your way is enough.

till next time

jan:)

Almost the end of 2011

Wow...a year has passed. Of course the easy thing is to say "where has the time gone?"
Most people blog regularly. Not me apparently. Twelve months seems to be twelve days.

January 2011

It is time for some retrospection at least. I don't think I can count how many people said this year to me "don't you remember when it was 2000? doesn't it feel like yesterday?" So true. As we often heard when we were younger, "time flies by so much faster the older you become". We spend the first half of our life trying to speed things up and then next half trying to slow things down. We all seem to have that in comman.

Life last year was certainly up and down and full of tears and yes some smiles too. Sometimes I hate that I teach adult development and I am to impart these words of wisdom to these bright, optimistic faces. However, who am I to take away their optimism? We all should be optimistic because we don't know what the future holds.

I was asked recently why I chose this career path (to understand adult development). I said honestly that it was my experience with older adults and their wisdom they imparted on me that directed my path. I was in awe that despite the pain and tears they still embraced life. I want to give that back to my students...I want to live that.

So my New Years resolutions are not to find the love of my life or to get rich...they are to embrace life and the people that touch my lives or even better to embrace those whose lives I can touch.

Tears

So this year I lost one of my very best friends. She was 34. It took all of 10 months for the cancer to get the best of her. It devastated me. I spent the entire time saying why her and why not me? I had been married and had children. Yet at the same time I didn't want to leave my children (does that not make you want to feel guilty or what?).

Today I found out that a young girl who played soccer with my son died in a tragic accident. She was 25. I can not even imagine her moms pain. I am so sorry.

Today I found out that several people that I knew also died. They ranged from 65 - 95. I still cried. When can you not cry for someone to not be part of life. They are a hole that can't ever be filled.

Death is sad and it brings so many tears. If I had my way, we would all live forever. However, when I read those stories posted on peoples lives after their death I am reminded that I could do so much more just to be half of the person they were.

Wow has it been that long

I can't believe that I have not posted since last December. This year has just flown by and so much has happened. I was remembering the other day how much I do love to write and how I make so little time for it. So just the other night I began my story once again. If I ever piece all my stories together my life just might make sense:). Why am I writing this you ask? I met someone today who brought up the subject of writing your life story down. He did not realize how he had just echoed what I had been doing only days earlier. It was uncanny.

But isn't life uncanny. Out of the blue you meet someone and you feel like you have known them forever...or you sit next to someone and suddenly you find yourself deep in conversation and having a wonderful evening with someone when you expected to be alone. Someone once asked me why I like to travel alone. I answered with sincerity...Because when one is alone you meet the most amazing people. People are not afraid to talk to you. Alone makes you a little bit more approachable. How many people do you know would go up to "a pair" and begin a conversation? In the world of "couples" and "family's" there is an upside to being alone.

But do you ever feel lonely? This of course is the next question. In sincerity...of course. Don't we all. We can feel lonely in a relationship...this is perhaps the worst of all... when you occupy the space with another, yet you don't see each other. I have experienced that. Perhaps that is why I prefer to be alone because I am afraid of being with another and yet we lose sight of the other. However, there are days and nights when I am alone, when I look longingly at the empty side of the bed or at the couple who are holding hands and I wish there was someone by my side.

But life is life. Single, alone, a couple, a family. We can plan and we can dream but our experiences make us who we are. I just want to experience life and yes of course there is the "good, bad, and the ugly". As John Lennon said "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". I just want to not make quite so many plans.

So life after 40

Well it gets better and it gets worse.

I know more than I did even a year ago. I am more empathatic today than I was yesterday. When you are 20, life is black or it is white. When you are 40, the shades of gray abound. This is good.

So when you reach your 40's you begin to anticipate the end of your life. Will I get cancer? Will I see my children be grown?

I myself always joke about being 85, sitting on a porch, still with red hair and telling my friend...Remember when?

sometimes I get scared of not reaching 85. I am not scared of death. I am scared of not getting 85 years of life in.

But I have a friend who might not even get the chance to get as old as me. And that is even scarier. I am lucky and let me never forget it. She is also lucky that soooooo... many people care about her. I am not sure I would have the same response.

We have to look under the blankets for the best of each scenerio. I had more years...She had more friends.

No it isn't a contest but it is a part of who we each are.

For me...No I don't want to trade places. I realize I am so lucky to have my children (who are grown now and so I have seen that). Did I see my life without pain...absolutely not!

Am I as good as my friend....not in this world...I am not sure I know anyone more loving, and good as her.

Is it fair?

No

But I do know from past experience that life is not fair.

The rambling words of a woman over 40 who is experiencing the pain of a wonderful friend who got handed a really shitty hand in life.

Life after 40 right?

how does time fly

In some ways it was so wonderful when I had time to write every day or so. Now I look back and realize that a month can go by before I have a chance to write. Life eh? I have done some re-evaluating in life lately and I hope that my changes mean a bit more time to enjoy life so that 30 days doesn't fly by again....and they say life speeds ups...now I know why