Tears

So this year I lost one of my very best friends. She was 34. It took all of 10 months for the cancer to get the best of her. It devastated me. I spent the entire time saying why her and why not me? I had been married and had children. Yet at the same time I didn't want to leave my children (does that not make you want to feel guilty or what?).

Today I found out that a young girl who played soccer with my son died in a tragic accident. She was 25. I can not even imagine her moms pain. I am so sorry.

Today I found out that several people that I knew also died. They ranged from 65 - 95. I still cried. When can you not cry for someone to not be part of life. They are a hole that can't ever be filled.

Death is sad and it brings so many tears. If I had my way, we would all live forever. However, when I read those stories posted on peoples lives after their death I am reminded that I could do so much more just to be half of the person they were.

Wow has it been that long

I can't believe that I have not posted since last December. This year has just flown by and so much has happened. I was remembering the other day how much I do love to write and how I make so little time for it. So just the other night I began my story once again. If I ever piece all my stories together my life just might make sense:). Why am I writing this you ask? I met someone today who brought up the subject of writing your life story down. He did not realize how he had just echoed what I had been doing only days earlier. It was uncanny.

But isn't life uncanny. Out of the blue you meet someone and you feel like you have known them forever...or you sit next to someone and suddenly you find yourself deep in conversation and having a wonderful evening with someone when you expected to be alone. Someone once asked me why I like to travel alone. I answered with sincerity...Because when one is alone you meet the most amazing people. People are not afraid to talk to you. Alone makes you a little bit more approachable. How many people do you know would go up to "a pair" and begin a conversation? In the world of "couples" and "family's" there is an upside to being alone.

But do you ever feel lonely? This of course is the next question. In sincerity...of course. Don't we all. We can feel lonely in a relationship...this is perhaps the worst of all... when you occupy the space with another, yet you don't see each other. I have experienced that. Perhaps that is why I prefer to be alone because I am afraid of being with another and yet we lose sight of the other. However, there are days and nights when I am alone, when I look longingly at the empty side of the bed or at the couple who are holding hands and I wish there was someone by my side.

But life is life. Single, alone, a couple, a family. We can plan and we can dream but our experiences make us who we are. I just want to experience life and yes of course there is the "good, bad, and the ugly". As John Lennon said "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". I just want to not make quite so many plans.

So life after 40

Well it gets better and it gets worse.

I know more than I did even a year ago. I am more empathatic today than I was yesterday. When you are 20, life is black or it is white. When you are 40, the shades of gray abound. This is good.

So when you reach your 40's you begin to anticipate the end of your life. Will I get cancer? Will I see my children be grown?

I myself always joke about being 85, sitting on a porch, still with red hair and telling my friend...Remember when?

sometimes I get scared of not reaching 85. I am not scared of death. I am scared of not getting 85 years of life in.

But I have a friend who might not even get the chance to get as old as me. And that is even scarier. I am lucky and let me never forget it. She is also lucky that soooooo... many people care about her. I am not sure I would have the same response.

We have to look under the blankets for the best of each scenerio. I had more years...She had more friends.

No it isn't a contest but it is a part of who we each are.

For me...No I don't want to trade places. I realize I am so lucky to have my children (who are grown now and so I have seen that). Did I see my life without pain...absolutely not!

Am I as good as my friend....not in this world...I am not sure I know anyone more loving, and good as her.

Is it fair?

No

But I do know from past experience that life is not fair.

The rambling words of a woman over 40 who is experiencing the pain of a wonderful friend who got handed a really shitty hand in life.

Life after 40 right?

how does time fly

In some ways it was so wonderful when I had time to write every day or so. Now I look back and realize that a month can go by before I have a chance to write. Life eh? I have done some re-evaluating in life lately and I hope that my changes mean a bit more time to enjoy life so that 30 days doesn't fly by again....and they say life speeds ups...now I know why

Wow again

Time seems to fly by so quickly. I feel like it was yesterday when I roamed the streets of Rome but yet here I am ready to jump another plane and head to Winnipeg and New York and Pennsilvanyia. I know that is why in part why i love academia...the travel...meeting new people always.

my life this last 6 weeks has been amazingly busy with a mixture of excitement and dread. Excitement for what I am doing (teaching, research) and dread (making the time for teaching and research). I am pretty sure I have to make so changes in my life soon in terms of obligations and responsibilities but I am hoping to string things along until December when my life settles a bit.

I taught on Mid-life crisis today in my class. Not that I feel that I am going through one...I taught that perhaps it is not the crises per/se but the re-evalution of ones goals...I think I need that re-evalution soon.

j:)

Wow...has it really been 6 weeks

I know I vowed to keep this up after I came back from Europe but where have the last 42 days gone? lol. It has been so busy and so much has happened yet I have yet to write about it. Well i will get to the past but in the mean time...what about the present. I am too busy as usual and time is flying by. Balance seems like a dream. Yet all in all I am happy.

I have moved into a wonderful house that makes me feel happy and am just trying to settle in. The semester is settling in too. Another week under my belt and all should be good.

Ok for bed now and I will fill in the blanks tomorrow.

till then

A little bit of Europe in Victoria

I decided that it must be a mindset. Here I am longing for Europe but then I realized that perhaps I wasn't giving Victoria a chance. So the sun was shining and I took my book to the inner harbour. I sat on an outdoor patio and listened to music. Soon I was chatting with others (just like in Europe...lol). Anyway, I think I just got a compliment. These two gentlemen started chatting with me and at one point one of them asked me age. Then one of them upon hearing it said, "I really hoped that you were older than what you looked"...lol.

In a town like Victoria where youth is optimal it was actually the best compliment I could get...lol. I think it is the first time anyone has ever hoped I was older.

Well off to return my movies