And to continue

I was just checking to see if this still worked...lol.

So another Christmas season is upon us. What is it about Christmas that makes us evaluate the past and the future.

I will admit that the past year has been tough. I am not sure when I cried so many tears...or asked so many questions. Perhaps it is a way of getting older. Most women it would seem are concerned as they get older with the lines and the wrinkles. I don't think like that. Sure part of me wishes that I looked like I did 15 years ago but I know that is not the most important. What I want today is to have learned from my past. I kinda like my age. and yes that means I don't look 30 anymore but I don't really think about that. I have more wisdom. I appreciate more what others have been through because I have been through more.

Now don't get me wrong. Part of me hates what I have been through. But there is also a part of me that is glad. How can you relate to people when you don't know what they are going through?

It has been a tough year but yesterday I met with friends and I laughed. I laughed from the bottom of my heart. I had not done that in so long and I wondered if I would ever do it again. But it happened and it gave me hope that I was at least working my way to the other side. Sometimes just working your way is enough.

till next time

jan:)

Almost the end of 2011

Wow...a year has passed. Of course the easy thing is to say "where has the time gone?"
Most people blog regularly. Not me apparently. Twelve months seems to be twelve days.

January 2011

It is time for some retrospection at least. I don't think I can count how many people said this year to me "don't you remember when it was 2000? doesn't it feel like yesterday?" So true. As we often heard when we were younger, "time flies by so much faster the older you become". We spend the first half of our life trying to speed things up and then next half trying to slow things down. We all seem to have that in comman.

Life last year was certainly up and down and full of tears and yes some smiles too. Sometimes I hate that I teach adult development and I am to impart these words of wisdom to these bright, optimistic faces. However, who am I to take away their optimism? We all should be optimistic because we don't know what the future holds.

I was asked recently why I chose this career path (to understand adult development). I said honestly that it was my experience with older adults and their wisdom they imparted on me that directed my path. I was in awe that despite the pain and tears they still embraced life. I want to give that back to my students...I want to live that.

So my New Years resolutions are not to find the love of my life or to get rich...they are to embrace life and the people that touch my lives or even better to embrace those whose lives I can touch.

Tears

So this year I lost one of my very best friends. She was 34. It took all of 10 months for the cancer to get the best of her. It devastated me. I spent the entire time saying why her and why not me? I had been married and had children. Yet at the same time I didn't want to leave my children (does that not make you want to feel guilty or what?).

Today I found out that a young girl who played soccer with my son died in a tragic accident. She was 25. I can not even imagine her moms pain. I am so sorry.

Today I found out that several people that I knew also died. They ranged from 65 - 95. I still cried. When can you not cry for someone to not be part of life. They are a hole that can't ever be filled.

Death is sad and it brings so many tears. If I had my way, we would all live forever. However, when I read those stories posted on peoples lives after their death I am reminded that I could do so much more just to be half of the person they were.

Wow has it been that long

I can't believe that I have not posted since last December. This year has just flown by and so much has happened. I was remembering the other day how much I do love to write and how I make so little time for it. So just the other night I began my story once again. If I ever piece all my stories together my life just might make sense:). Why am I writing this you ask? I met someone today who brought up the subject of writing your life story down. He did not realize how he had just echoed what I had been doing only days earlier. It was uncanny.

But isn't life uncanny. Out of the blue you meet someone and you feel like you have known them forever...or you sit next to someone and suddenly you find yourself deep in conversation and having a wonderful evening with someone when you expected to be alone. Someone once asked me why I like to travel alone. I answered with sincerity...Because when one is alone you meet the most amazing people. People are not afraid to talk to you. Alone makes you a little bit more approachable. How many people do you know would go up to "a pair" and begin a conversation? In the world of "couples" and "family's" there is an upside to being alone.

But do you ever feel lonely? This of course is the next question. In sincerity...of course. Don't we all. We can feel lonely in a relationship...this is perhaps the worst of all... when you occupy the space with another, yet you don't see each other. I have experienced that. Perhaps that is why I prefer to be alone because I am afraid of being with another and yet we lose sight of the other. However, there are days and nights when I am alone, when I look longingly at the empty side of the bed or at the couple who are holding hands and I wish there was someone by my side.

But life is life. Single, alone, a couple, a family. We can plan and we can dream but our experiences make us who we are. I just want to experience life and yes of course there is the "good, bad, and the ugly". As John Lennon said "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". I just want to not make quite so many plans.

So life after 40

Well it gets better and it gets worse.

I know more than I did even a year ago. I am more empathatic today than I was yesterday. When you are 20, life is black or it is white. When you are 40, the shades of gray abound. This is good.

So when you reach your 40's you begin to anticipate the end of your life. Will I get cancer? Will I see my children be grown?

I myself always joke about being 85, sitting on a porch, still with red hair and telling my friend...Remember when?

sometimes I get scared of not reaching 85. I am not scared of death. I am scared of not getting 85 years of life in.

But I have a friend who might not even get the chance to get as old as me. And that is even scarier. I am lucky and let me never forget it. She is also lucky that soooooo... many people care about her. I am not sure I would have the same response.

We have to look under the blankets for the best of each scenerio. I had more years...She had more friends.

No it isn't a contest but it is a part of who we each are.

For me...No I don't want to trade places. I realize I am so lucky to have my children (who are grown now and so I have seen that). Did I see my life without pain...absolutely not!

Am I as good as my friend....not in this world...I am not sure I know anyone more loving, and good as her.

Is it fair?

No

But I do know from past experience that life is not fair.

The rambling words of a woman over 40 who is experiencing the pain of a wonderful friend who got handed a really shitty hand in life.

Life after 40 right?

how does time fly

In some ways it was so wonderful when I had time to write every day or so. Now I look back and realize that a month can go by before I have a chance to write. Life eh? I have done some re-evaluating in life lately and I hope that my changes mean a bit more time to enjoy life so that 30 days doesn't fly by again....and they say life speeds ups...now I know why

Wow again

Time seems to fly by so quickly. I feel like it was yesterday when I roamed the streets of Rome but yet here I am ready to jump another plane and head to Winnipeg and New York and Pennsilvanyia. I know that is why in part why i love academia...the travel...meeting new people always.

my life this last 6 weeks has been amazingly busy with a mixture of excitement and dread. Excitement for what I am doing (teaching, research) and dread (making the time for teaching and research). I am pretty sure I have to make so changes in my life soon in terms of obligations and responsibilities but I am hoping to string things along until December when my life settles a bit.

I taught on Mid-life crisis today in my class. Not that I feel that I am going through one...I taught that perhaps it is not the crises per/se but the re-evalution of ones goals...I think I need that re-evalution soon.

j:)

Wow...has it really been 6 weeks

I know I vowed to keep this up after I came back from Europe but where have the last 42 days gone? lol. It has been so busy and so much has happened yet I have yet to write about it. Well i will get to the past but in the mean time...what about the present. I am too busy as usual and time is flying by. Balance seems like a dream. Yet all in all I am happy.

I have moved into a wonderful house that makes me feel happy and am just trying to settle in. The semester is settling in too. Another week under my belt and all should be good.

Ok for bed now and I will fill in the blanks tomorrow.

till then

A little bit of Europe in Victoria

I decided that it must be a mindset. Here I am longing for Europe but then I realized that perhaps I wasn't giving Victoria a chance. So the sun was shining and I took my book to the inner harbour. I sat on an outdoor patio and listened to music. Soon I was chatting with others (just like in Europe...lol). Anyway, I think I just got a compliment. These two gentlemen started chatting with me and at one point one of them asked me age. Then one of them upon hearing it said, "I really hoped that you were older than what you looked"...lol.

In a town like Victoria where youth is optimal it was actually the best compliment I could get...lol. I think it is the first time anyone has ever hoped I was older.

Well off to return my movies

Thoughts on being home

You know I was reading my messages tonight and my trip feels so far away...like another lifetime. I am back home in the "regular" and "normal" but yet part of me yearns to be back in Europe. I loved it there. Maybe I was meant to be European...lol. Or maybe that is a vacation and I have never really had one before so I am yearning for more.

Well on the up side...I am going to a conference in Austrailia next May if they accept my work. So Europe aside I guess it is "Down Under" for me next year.

Now to figure out where to live in a few weeks... I have a place but fell in love with another. I really don't know but I believe in fate so if I am meant to live in the "other" it will work out otherwise I am moving to Cook Street...not bad at all.

till later

jan:)

Home for two weeks

Well I have been home for two weeks. It is amazing that you can find time in your busy life to blog when you are travelling but the time disappears when you are at home and back. Today later I will sit down and start to write.

Home in Victoria

Well almost 5 weeks has passed and once again I am in Victoria. It feels like I never left in many ways but yet so much has taken up my days over these past few weeks.

I am tired so I will make this short. I hope to sit down this weekend and fill in all the blanks of my trip so that "I" won't forget all the wonderful things that I experienced.

Till later then...

j:)

Last Day in Amsterdam

Ah...so sad to be heading home but yet on the other hand I am looking forward to seeing my friends and family. What a trip and so many experiences and so many great people that I have met along the way.

Well today I think I will cruise the canals and just relax. it is not nearly so hot here in Amsterdam as you guys at home are getting but hopefully some of that weather will hold out for me.

Time to go...the city is calling.

A little bit of a Summary....

Well I have a few moments as I am waiting for my tour to begin to Volendam, Marken and a windmill village. I decided that a day out of the city would be a nice change so I am looking forward to it. The day is sunny but from the heat of 47 degrees in Barcelona to the brisk 23 degrees in Amsterdam, I am packing a sweater for the first time in almost 5 weeks.

You know when I look back on all of my posts there is so much that I have not said. It was always the toss up between getting back out there and walking or talking or touring and updating my blog. I hope that when I get back I will sit down and go through each of my days and try to remember what I did and who I met and write it down with words so that I can one day look back on this blog with a smile of rememberance.

I expect that when I return to the "real world" I will not have time to blog (or at least not make the time). I have had fleeting thoughts of what my life will look like over the next 4 months and I realize the busyness...but...those thoughts have been very fleeting I must admit. Who knew that I could live without a blackberry, an IPOD, a watch, or constant access to a computer. But this trip has been good for me. I have never taken a month off in my working adult life before. Even for my son's wedding last year in england I took journals and put in a couple of hours a day. However, I haven't looked at work emails and every day has been just about "experience". It is funny because you would think that days would drag when you rise in the wee hours and go to bed in the wee hours but there is just not enough hours in the day.

It is funny, this moring the guy at the hostel desk commented that he figured I was Canadian. One is that I am traveling by myself without a "boyfriend" were his words. Apparently Canadian women are more likely to travel alone. In addition, I get up earlier than anyone in the hostel and go for a walk and he says Canadian women do this...lol.

This hostel I have been staying at has been wonderful. It is certainly not the nicest room of my trip but it is very clean, great breakfast included, great price, and I love the people. Everytime I walk in the owner of the hotel calls out, "Hey, Canada" and the guys I am sharing a room with are fantastic. All of us are so different but we are thrown into this intimate situation. I actually thought they were a bit thrown too when they arrived in the room to discover that they had a female roomate. I actually think the owner of my hotel (the one that calls me "Canada" did this on purpose. I am sure there are other dorms with single females in them (although I must admit the ratio of men to women here is about 3 to 1). I told the owner that I have told all my friends in canada that I am sharing a room with four guys and one who I have yet to talk to, but I know his speedo tan lines intimately...he thought this was hilarious.

My Roomate Mark....30 years old...condo owner in Calgary...computer tech...threw it all in to come to Europe to get stoned and find the meaning of life. Shoulder length black curly hair, tall, great body...nice eyes if they weren't slitted most of the time...lol. Has no idea when he is going home...

My Roomate JP...24 years...masters student in Chemistry at McGill. On a round the world trip (which I am pretty sure his parents are paying for). socially awkward but the first night I got to the hostel he was the only one in the room and once he found out I was at a university (and we had a few drinks) he loosened up. The other guys said he hadn't talked to them in the two days he had been there. So it seems I am living up to my reputation and I have the four of us having a bit of a "relationship"of sorts. Now the four of us go for breakfast each morning and at night we laugh until we turn out the lights, teasing each other about our days. Ok, mine was when I couldn't figure out how to open the door to our room and Marty had to help me...the three glasses of wine did not help...lol.

My Roomate Marty...35 ish....From Austrailia (Canberra)...right in Allison's neck of the woods. He is shy but has a great sense of humour when you get to know him. He and I are the two most likely to do the sightseeing stuff so we hung out yesterday and then went for a nice dinner last night. He is on a 6 month travel to see if he wants to come to work in the US or ?. He is a web designer. Probably the most conservative of the three guys (plays golf, hangs out with his friends at the pub and drinks beer, and works). At a crossroads in his life (by his admission and wants to make sure he doesn't settle into a rut). Not really into the coffee houses like the other two. We went to the Heiniken brew pub yesterday and did a bike tour and had a blast.

Ok...my bus tour calls but I wanted to write a bit down for my future reference while it was fresh in my mind.

Hopefull I will get a couple more posts in but alas Canada is calling...sigh.

j:)

A bit more of Amsterdam

Well my Ausi friend (Marty) and I splurged and went for a nice seafood meal tonight. Yes, I know what you are thinking but I can have salmon and white fish so I took my chances. It was lovely...a little tucked away restaurant with wonderful service. Then we wandered through the red light district tonight. Actually it was quite interesting. It is actually much less seedy than the red light district in Paris. and quiet expensive. Apparently 50 euro's gets you only 15 minutes and that is just to get in the door...anything else is extra. Even the peeler shows are 40 euros or more. Not like in Paris when 2 euro will get you a "zapping"...lol. It is actually really pretty at night all lit up with the canal boats and the outdoor cafe's and bar sprinkled inbetween the women in the windows.

Tomorrow Marty and I are going to take a canal ride and then do the museums so that should be great. Our two other room mates seemed to be sleeping all day (I think sleeping off the effects of the coffee houses)....lol

Well time is running out on the computer so till tomorrow and I must get back to my men...lol

jan:)

amsterdam

Just a quick note because I am off to have dinner with one of my hostel mates.

So it is just me and 4 guys in my hostel room...lol. However, they are great guys. Two from Canada (one a chemistry grad student from Western and another guy searching for the meaning of life...through the coffee shops here in Amsterdam) and a guy from Austrailia. I don't really know the other guy other than I caught a site of his speedo tan lines this morning...lol. anyway the Ausi and I went on a bike tour today and then went to the Heiniken Brewery today. Great guy. Here and in the US for 6 months and traveling. Like me he said it was nice to find someone to do stuff with so we are hanging out and doing some tours and we are off to dinner now and then to check out the "Doors" pub next door.

I apparently had a police report filed on my MC so I can't use it so money will be tight but I should just make it...lol.

Well off for dinn and talk later

jan:)

Lost in Spain

Just like the title says, Janet found herself lost in Spain. The information person at the train station told me to get on the train at platform 14 but alas that train went in the opposite direction to my connecting night train to Paris. Alas when the train finally stopped 1 hour later (even I knew i was on the wrong one 5 minutes after we departed in the opposit direction to which I had to go) i was in the middle of no where. However, as good fortune would happen, the station attendent spoke some English. He called the main station and found out that if I took another train I would end up in Ginova and my original train would be stopping their. I was immensely grateful as I had paid the supplement to have a berth to sleep in and I certainly did not want to be out the money.

all things end extremely well as I ended up at this little spanish bar at the train station that locals frequented. I felt I was in the heart of Mexico. But a nice spanish young man bought me a beer and we attempted to have a conversation (not easy when we spoke about the same amount in each others language). The bar maid was teasing him about trying to pick me up (I could get that) and then she pointed to me and said laughingly (voluptuous - with hand gesters to back this up...lol) We all laughted. all in all it was a wonderful little side trip.

I ended up sharing my sleeping compartments with some young people for Indianna University so it was nice to have some English conversation (they also agreed). Then this morning I caught a fast train to Amsterstam for the final four days of my trip.

I tell you, the northern Europeans know how to do first class. I had breakfast (a lovely aray of fruit, cheese, salmon, yougart, croissants, coffee and juice) followed by an even better lunch of grilled chicken, pate, bread, vino and coffee. It has to be the best train ride that I have had.

The only down side to the end of my trip is that my mastercard isn't working (I think I set it off by taking a cash advance and that is out of the ordinary for me - unfortunately, I haven't been able to contact them as their international number is not working...uuuuggg) and so I need to be careful with my cash. Unfortunately, you can't take money out of your saving in cash machines in most of europe. So the end of my trip is in this lovely hostel (well it is clean anyways) and I am in a co-ed dorm (well one more experience eh!) (oh right it is also in the red light district). But it does include breakfast and internet...lol.

Well I better be off to explore...will keep you posted.

Till later

jan :)

Ok...

Leaving Barcelona

I know I have been lax lately in my blog writing. It seems there wasn´t too many free moments here in Barcelona. It was wonderful catching up to Shelly and Shane and having some free flowing english conversation. Not to mention that Shelly and I kept errupting into gales of giggles unfortunately for Shane. It didn´t take much to set us off.

After finding my new hostel for the last 3 days of my trip I relaxed and did a combination of sightseeing and lounging at the beach getting massages (who can turn down a back massage for 5 euro´s) and lounging at the pool with Shane and Shelly (their hotel is much nicer than mine...lol). That is the downside of traveling alone in that accomodation is based on 2 so quite often you either choose the less nice option to keep costs down. Oh, well tis a fact of life and all and all I haven´t done bad in the accomodation department.

Shelly, Shane and I enjoyed a really nice night out with fabulous tapa´s and sangria after are afternoon of lounging at their pool on the roof of their hotel. Then last night we took the gondola up to the top of the mountain with breathtaking views of Barcelona and a walk around the castle. Then we had dinner in a lovely park and shared a bottle of Rose´ (well Shane and I did...Shelly said the wine sucked. Then we finished off the evening watching the "magic fountain". It is a spectacular fountain show...done to music. It is in the square that they had the olympics in Barcelona. I can´t wait to down load all my pictures.

And so tonight I am off on the night train to paris. I enjoyed my last day at the beach and a final massage (actually 2) so I should sleep like a baby tonight.

So goodby las Rambla, goodbye the mediterranian, goodbye the south of france and spain. Four more days and the call of Canada will reach me...It feels like only yesterday that I left and yet I have visited so many places, met so many people and had so many experiences.

Till later...
j:)